Sunday, October 29, 2006

ok. this is a letter i feel i need to write. hopefully thru writing this, i can be released from resentment over this person and i can learn to love him as a friend... using the "emotional map" model from the marriage seminar conducted by pst kong ...

Dear (censored),

I hate it when you have been ignoring me recently. It makes me so upset that whenever we meet, we do not talk as friends as we do (not that we often do in the past...). When we first met, you said that you were a phone call away. But it seems that I cannot talk to you anymore. What makes me more upset is the fact that the other day you were actually laughing hysterically when (censored) mentioned and joked about a group of people, and the worse thing is that a few months back I actually confessed to you that i belong to that group of people. Don't you understand that it makes me think that you are so hypocritical? Because of you, I don't think i can trust anyone to tell my secrets anymore. i don't think I can afford to. after all, they may be like you, making fun of people like us, instead of being a true friend.

It pains me everytime someone mentioned to me that, "Oh... (censored) just laughed about this group of people ..." It hurts even more because I respected you as a leader in this friendship. you always had my respect because you usually initiate trying to make sure things are alright for me in the past. But now, I felt really disappointed that everytime I wanted to find someone to talk, and when I called, you will give me the solutions and not a listening ear. I really do not want solutions brother. I just wanted a friend who can sit down for an entire afternoon just to listen to what I have to say. I feel so hurt everytime I see you. it reminds me of the trust that was broken because of what you have done. you always had your friends, and whenever you meet someone new, you assumed that i will be fine tolerating the dwindling concern you have for me. It pains me whenever I see you so busy meeting new friends when you started to forget about me. I think I shouldn't call you anymore, lest you are to busy to even pick up my phone calls.

I am afraid that I cannot pick myself up again to trust other people because of you. I am scared everytime I see you. i don't dare talk to you because I am scared that if I do I might hurt myself more. I am even afraid to look at you face to face. I really don't know what to do now. i am scared of facing people. thoughts like "don't trust people... they will backstab" come to mind. i really don't know brother. i took a big step of faith to tell you about my problems, and you are actually laughing it off. i wonder if others will do the same too. i thought that i may become more open and truthful in our friendship, but i am afraid i cannot anymore. i can't.

I am sorry that I sounded really demanding in this friendship. Please forgive me for being so possessive. I guess that it is not always your fault. You may have laughed my problems off unintentionally. I didn't mean to think negatively about you. We are after all imperfect. I have my imperfections too.

I want to try to believe in you more. Maybe it's because of army work that's causing all these stress to escalate, and maybe it's because you are busy with your studies and other commitments. I want to try to talk to you more often again. I promise to try to ask you out for a drink someday. I really do hope that I can be able to learn to be a better friend myself.

(censored), I love you, just as I know God loves you too (I know you know that too!). I understand that you may be someone I respect deeply, but you are imperfect by nature. I forgive you for the times you have let me down, because I believe there are times I have done so to you too. Thank you (if you are reading this letter and you know it's you), for reading this letter. Thank you for the times when you have really treated me as a friend when i am so unworthy to be called your friend. brother, you are still the brother i respected a lot, because I believe God has placed you in my life for a beautiful purpose, and that is, perhaps, to teach me to love others just as I was loved by you from the start. Though we may actually not meet up so often in the near future, I want to say that you have made an impact in my life. And I will always thank God that you are my (censored). Thank you.

Timothy.


whew... this letter seems like some form of release for me. but thank God i wrote it. felt much bettter after writing it. =)


Tim.
Posted by Timo-mo at 7:05 PM